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Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. John Cheese returns to the Cracked guest column, and this time he’s taking more bullets for us than a bad guy within reach of Bruce Willis during a machine gun battle. Cheese is filling in for us on a Saturday while we train for our dark horse bid for the 2008 Olympic Decathlon. I saw this video way back when I first started surfing porn on the internet. That was before DSL or cable, when watching a one-minute video clip meant clicking the download button and then finding some chores to do like painting the house or helping my wife deliver a baby. At least it involved two people who were once considered attractive by the generally stupid public.
I didn’t know a single girl back then who didn’t want to be boned by Bret Michaels, and though Pamela had probably gone through some surgery at that point, she didn’t look nearly as plastic as she would just a few years later. These weren’t two washed-up celebrities looking to jump start their careers. These were fresh, rising stars who people actually wanted to see naked. Besides the fact that both Bret and Pamela appear to be bombed into a near-coma, the “sexual” acts they perform on each other are executed in the very loosest of terms. Throughout the video, Pam looks irritated to still be awake, and I was sure that she would pass out at any second. Meanwhile, Bret appears more interested in seeing his own image on the TV than in the half-baked blonde bobbing on his knob. At one point, the Poison lead singer gets up to adjust the camera, leaving Anderson to kneel on the bed and grow stupider by the second.
As he positions the device, his own device pops into frame like some sort of Japanese anime porn monster come to life, threatening to crush all in its path in a violent display of grotesque kill-fucking. The next several minutes are an awkward display of two criminally retarded drunks trying to balance themselves as Bret squirms and scoots around the bed to position himself in the frame, all while Pam tries desperately to drag him across the finish line so she can go to sleep and dream about unicorns and not being a whore. The video wasn’t what I’d call “repulsive. It broke the first rule of porn by making me remember that I have real-life responsibilities.
Webcam reaction: “Don’t I have some dishes to do? Bam was born in 1979 but makes a living pretending to be 12. Recently, a video hit the internet of him having sex with his then-fiancee, Jenn Rivell, causing thousands of people to react with complete indifference, saying, “Bam Margera has a sex tape? No, you don’t have to show me–I believe you.
If it accidentally starts playing on like some popup or something, I’ll look at it for a few seconds, but–really? Yeah, I guess I could see that. Bam showed good sense and respect for his audience by doing two things: 1. He stayed his punk ass in the background, mostly off camera.
We can’t tell you how much we appreciate that effort, Mr. I’ve seen too many episodes of Jackass and Viva La Bam. All throughout the video, I was expecting one of his friends to burst into the room and waylay him in the balls with a sack full of human feces, and when that didn’t happen, I found myself a little disappointed. And I’ve never been one to bitch about the quality of home sex videos, but come on. Margera is rich enough to afford more than a bargain bin Logitech webcam to document a reverse cowgirl. He owes his fans that much.