Sex drugs and giger

Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. So, why is it that Hollywood movies can be wildly successful and blindly unoriginal at the sex drugs and giger time?

Who’s running this cash-eating donkey show? Well, sorry — I’m not an expert. Now that Pee-wee is back to haunt a new generation, headlines and memes everywhere have noticed how remarkably un-aged Paul Reubens looks. He looks like he traveled back in time to tell himself to stick to VHS porn. Could it be that Herman’s blood pact with the Prince of Darkness entails a forever-walk among the living damned?

Marvel’s next project is a shot-for-shot remake of Wonder Boys. We’ve come a long way since the anus-clenching horror of Tron: Legacy’s CGI Jeff Bridges — to the point that movies are applying “beauty work” so readily that we no longer notice it’s happening. The guy isn’t impressed, judging by the jerk-off motion. Supposedly, this process is being secretly done for every fucking TV show and film at this point. That was actually Robert Downey Sr. No, really — since this trend started, companies have been taking digital scans of actors at their peak weights in order to virtually replace their features for later reshoots.

Meaning that in 2080 we could still have a new release exclusively starring an army of 30-year-old Chris Evanses. After Batman V Superman, how many times have you rolled your eyes at a CGI creature that was essentially the cave troll from Lord Of The Rings? It’s a disgrace that they don’t have furry pink hair, as Tolkien described. Somewhere between production and the drastically different concept art, Doomsday became a big, swole lump of gray crap with a mean hunched face and some forgettable growl. Just like every goddamn movie beast fit to slay.

Even freaking King Louie is more cave troll than orangutan now. So when did every monster become a dumpy nightmare? Since The Lord Of The Rings’ Weta Digital became the go-to for these visual effects, turning grotesque renderings into one of New Zealand’s primary exports. But this is far from the only case, as every J. There’s a lot of inbreeding, apparently.

It’s always some festering-mouthed abomination with spider legs. We can trace this back to a single guy named Neville Page — who in addition to all of Abrams’ monsters, also did the crazy-mouthed aliens in Avatar and the crazy-mouthed squid in Prometheus. Giger was afraid of anuses instead of dicks. Not to be confused with blood magic subplots. Did you think it was a coincidence that every film character suddenly needed or had special blood?

Nope — it was just two guys who kept going to that smelly well. He finally got one in a Superman film, by the way. The absolute maniac finally did it. Shockingly, this entry isn’t about genitals. While the male characters had a wacky variety of chin and nose shapes, the female characters were all stuck with the same button sniffer and rounded jaws. Always suspected the kid from Up had a vagina.

According to the Tumblr post, this gender discrepancy was an example of “lazy sexism” by Disney — the company behind Frozen’s main stars having eyeballs bigger than their wrists and looking more like clones than sisters. Yes, apparently, it’s very difficult for animators to create proper expressions while maintaining the fuckability factor at a steamy 10. And so female characters are given the same basic traits that they know will consistently work. It’s the same principle behind why every Disney villain is made up of a series of pointed ridges. Look at the collars, the eyebrows, the chins, and the fact that most of these characters have their hair up — giving their entire face a V-like shape. This isn’t an accident, as research has shown that by simply looking at a downward-facing triangle, we automatically detect a threat.

Oh, hey, it’s my uncle with the evil face and creepy, ominous stares! And not just in Disney films. The LEGO Movie’s villain is almost literally an upturned pyramid. Realistically, it would be giant, naked feet. So yeah, there’s sexism here — and, we guess, prejudice against sharp-chinned folk — but the biggest crime is the corporate streamlining that is forcing animators to be lazy about how each person is designed.

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